Mass Illusion- Chat Room
by Lady Amiee
Summary: The crew of the Normandy spend some free time between mission playing around on the ship's chat room. Amiee joins the fun ... Side chapters for my self insert Mass Illusion. Rated T for language and general smutty banter.
1. Butt Face

NORMANDY CHAT-ROOM.

Online contacts.

James: OsoMayor

Amiee: Hotshot

Chakwas: House

Shepard: TheBitchInCharge

Joker: RocketMan

Cortez: Shipspotter

EDI: HAL9000

Liara: InShadow

Javik: Vengeance

Garrus: SnypeSnype

* * *

James-OsoMayor: I don't get what got you so mad in the first place.

Amiee-HotShot: You were being a butt. Are we really doing this here? Everyone can see this. Also, why is my username 'HotShot,' Liara?

Liara-InShadow: I thought it appropriate, based on your skills with a sniper rifle.

Garrus-SnypeSnype: I'm still the best.

James-OsoMayor: I wasn't being a butt.

Amiee-HotShot: Yes you were. You were being bossy and a buttface.

James-OsoMayor: You were being stubborn. And your face is a butt.

Amiee-HotShot: Then you kissed a buttface. Well done, gold star.

James-OsoMayor: Amiee ...

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: What's going on? I'm trying to sleep.

Javik-Vengeance: You primitives disgust me with your emotional outbursts and need for attention.

Javik-Vengeance: Even your communication technology is primitive. How do you expect to fight the Reapers with this 'communication?'

Amiee-HotShot: Iceman, I already kicked your ass once, don't make me do it again. I'm not sure your superior pride could take it.

Garrus-SnypeSnype: BOOM! Headshot!

James-OsoMayor: Wait, you fought with the Prothean? Muñeca, he's bigger than you. Didn't I explain about fighting battles you can't win?

Amiee-HotShot: I didn't need muscles like you. I used my WORDS.

Amiee-HotShot: And you're bigger than me too, yet I still make you beg like a puppy.

Joker-RocketMan: Oh, burn ... I like her, Vega, you should keep her.

Amiee-HotShot: Keep me? I'm not a damn possession. I'll come and school you too.

Joker-RocketMan: Vrolik syndrome ...

Amiee-HotShot: Was that even English?

Garrus-SnypeSnype: Now who can't word?

Liara-InShadow: Words can be as powerful as fists, this is true. Like when I sway planetary opinion.

EDI-HAL9000: I do not understand. Words are merely perceived, they do not inflict physical harm.

Javik-Vengeance: I'd expect nothing less from a machine such as yourself.

Amiee-HotShot: Iceman, please, please don't make me come down there. Because if I have to walk, I will beat you with my damn fists not words this time.

James-OsoMayor: If you used the crutch like I told you too, this wouldn't be a problem.

Cortez-Shipspotter: Jimmy, maybe you should try being more sensitive.

James-OsoMayor: Why are you PM'ing me, when you're sat right next to me?

James-OsoMayor: My point stands. Use the crutch.

Cortez-ShipSpotter: Because all the cool kids are doing it?

Amiee-HotShot: Chakwas said I didn't need it!

Doctor Chakwas-House: Amiee is correct. She only needed the aid for twenty four hours.

Amiee-HotShot: Suck it!

Joker-RocketMan: That's what he said?

EDI-HAL9000: Jeff, I do not think that is what Amiee, meant.

Garrus-SnypeSnype: Wait, humans make their requests in public?

Garrus-SnypeSnype: Shepard, I need to pop a heat sink.

Liara-InShadow: By the Goddess ... Really, Garrus?

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: ...

Joker-RocketMan: Take pictures.

Amiee-HotShot: If you even think about it, James, I will kill you. I swear to every god there is, you will die a very, very painful death. The only thing you will be sucking, is that damn crutch.

Amiee-HotShot: Also, I stole one of your shirts.

Javik-Vengeance: Primitive mating rituals bore me. In my cycle, the Protheans would go for HOURS.

James-OsoMayor: I'm on my way, Muñeca.

Cortez-Shipspotter: Jimmy ... I really wouldn't recommend it.

Doctor Chakwas-House: I won't patch you up. Self inflicted injury isn't something I treat.

James-OsoMayor logged out.

Amiee-HotShot: Fuck ... I should ... go ... Bye guys.

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: Okay people, back to work. If I get woken up with more drama, I'm air locking all of you.

Amiee-HotShot logged off.

Joker-RocketMan: I bet 50 creds on Amiee.

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: Joker, you're supposed to be working. Everyone log off. Now.

Garrus-SnypeSnype: I'll take that bet.

EDI-HAL900: Logging the crew out of the system now, Shepard.

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge. Thanks, EDI.

Chakwas: House. logged off.

Shepard: TheBitchInCharge logged off.

Joker: RocketMan logged off.

Cortez: Shipspotter logged off.

Liara: InShadow logged off.

Javik: Vengeance logged off.

Garrus: SnypeSnype logged off.

EDI: HAL9000: Silence is golden.

EDI: HAL9000: Logged off.

A/N: Huge thanks go out to LegionN7 for giving me the idea and helping me get started. Check out his fiction it's so funny!


	2. Take Pictures

NORMANDY CHATROOM

Online contacts.

James: OsoMayor.

Amiee: Hotshot.

Chakwas: House.

Shepard: TheBitchInCharge.

Joker: RocketMan.

Cortez: ShipSpotter.

EDI: HAL9000.

Liara: InShadow.

Javik: Vengeance.

Garrus: SnypeSnype.

Traynor: Sonic.

Adams: GreaseMonkey

Gabby: JockLover69.

Ken: BraveHeart.

Amiee-HotShot: Hey hey, guys. What y'all doin'?

Garrus-SnypeSnype: Calibrating.

Doctor Chakwas-House: Patching up Shepard. Apparently, she decided to take a husk to the face.

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: It was an Abomination, and I killed it first ... it just ... exploded unexpectedly.

Javik-Vengeance: Those were present in my cycle too. We lifted them with our biotics, and threw them into enemy lines.

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: And you decided not to do this today, why?

Javik-Vengeance: You ordered me to take cover.

Joker-RocketMan: Or maybe you're getting senile and forgetting these things? Also I'm just here. Flying the ship.

Cortez-ShipSpotter: You act like it's so hard.

Joker-RocketMan: Oh, I'm not acting.

Amiee-HotShot: Do you two need a room?

Ken-BraveHeart: Just ... Don't use the engine room

Gabby-JockLover69: Its accounted for already ;)

EDI-HAL9000: Actually, I believe Jeff prefers synthetic female types for his sexual release.

Javik-Vengeance: Then how will we not know he will not fall in love with a Reaper and betray us all?

Garrus-SnypeSnype: I'm going back to my calibrations...

Amiee-HotShot: I really didn't need those images. Imagine a reaper in a thong, giving Joker a lap dance.

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: Fornax already has a ReaperCreepers line, or so I hear

James-OsoMayor: Lola, we all know you subscribe. Why you hidin' it?

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: I only subscribed for ... science?

Liara-InShadow: Send me all your copies, there may be schematics!

Amiee-HotShot: Really, Liara? Really? That's your reasoning?

Joker-RocketMan: I guess the Shadow Broker is jaded beyond her years and needs something more extreme ...

Amiee-HotShot: I guess that's why she showed me the Fornax app.

Joker-RocketMan: Wait, there's an app? And here I was stuck bookmarking extranet pages ...

EDI-HAL9000: You seemed quite content in your ... Research methods, Jeff.

James-OsoMayor: Muñeca, why are you online? You should be sleeping.

Amiee-HotShot: You were snoring. -_- Flid.

Cortez-ShipSpotter: What's a flid?

James-OsoMayor: Apparently it's an idiot ... I don't know how. It's a british thing ... I think. Like bangers and mash. Or spotted dick.

James-OsoMayor: Or it could just be an Amiee thing.

Joker-RocketMan: I've had that once, wouldn't recommend it. Dry and stale. Not pretty to look at either.

Cortez-ShipSpotter: That'll teach you to stick your d**k in things.

Joker-RocketMan: I meant the cake. -_-

Cortez-ShipSpotter: So did I.

Amiee-HotShot: We really gonna go on about the British thing, Idiota?

James-OsoMayor: I'm a dude, and can prove it.

James-OsoMayor: Idioto for males, babe.

Amiee- HotShot: Did you just ... You did... you corrected me ...

Amiee-HotShot: And don't whisper in my damn ear.

James-OsoMayor: I was only showing you how to pronounce it properly.

EDI-HAL9000: Amiee, if you would like, I could download Rosetta Stone.

Garrus-SnypeSnype: Great, then she can just be sarcastic in other languages we don't understand.

Chakwas-House: Oh, do ease up on her, I find her British wit ... refreshing. It reminds me of home.

Amiee-HotShot: See! Don't mess with us Brits, we'll cream your crumpets.

Joker-RocketMan: That sounds ... amazing ...

Amiee-HotShot: Don't. You. Dare!

Joker-RocketMan: *Trollface* You can cream my crumpet any time you like, Amiee.

James-OsoMayor: Hey gringo, shut up before I crack your cranium. Shouldn't be too hard, considering how easy you are too break.

Amiee- HotShot: Action Man, have I told you I love you today?

James-OsoMayor: Yes, you have ... and you told me how much you love my muscles and tattoo's.

Amiee-HotShot: Okay, don't get big headed now. *Blush*

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: No killing my pilot ...

EDI-HAL9000: I am perfectly capable of flying the Normandy, Shepard.

Garrus-SnypeSnype: Scoped and dropped!

Joker-RocketMan: :'(

Adams-GreaseMonkey: Shepard, I'm almost done realigning the drive shaft... It'll be in perfect alignment with the exhaust port ...

Traynor-Sonic: What's going on?

Garrus-SnypeSnype: Adams is lining up his shaft with the rear port.

Ken-BraveHeart: Such a sailor, that scunner. I'm proud to serve under him.

Ken-BraveHeart: WAIT!

Gabby-JockLover69: !

Amiee-HotShot: I ... That's a thing.

Cortez-ShipSpotter: I didn't know ... Ken, do you fancy coming down to the shuttle bay, I've got an exhaust port that needs calibrating.

Garrus-SnypeSnype: Hands off my thing!

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: Grrr. The only human that should be gripping Garrus' thing is me.

Ken-BraveHeart: I didn't mean it like that.

Adams-GreaseMonkey: Ken, as much as I admire you as an engineer, I am afraid our relationship is strictly professional.

Ken-BraveHeart: I didn't ... :0

Javik-Vengeance: Primitives.

James-OsoMayor: You remember the last time you called Amiee that?

Amiee-HotShot: IceMan, I'm warning you. :(

Javik-Vengeance: How do you do this ... trollface?

Ken-BraveHeart: Click on this link, Javik: goatse. cx.

Joker-RocketMan: I'm totally imagining him practicing in the mirror.

Liara-InShadow: I do not think a protheans facial muscles are equipped to align that way.

Javik-Vengeance: It seems you've stumbled across our preferred visual stimulation.

Garrus-SnypeSnype: I am not clicking that link.

Liara-InShadow: I wouldn't recommend it.

HAL9000: Link blocked. Virus detected.

Joker-RocketMan: Hey! I wasn't done looking at that!

James-OsoMayor: Note to self-Touch nothing in the bridge.

Amiee-HotShot: James, go back to sleep babe, you're being noisy.

James-OsoMayor: You're the one giggling.

Amiee-HotShot: I don't giggle.

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: You do. Now, get some sleep, Amiee, you're on me and Liara tomorrow.

Joker-RocketMan: How can I not say anything to that? Seriously. I nee-

RocketMan was logged off by admin.

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: I meant, you're on with me and Liara! Damn omni-tool.

RocketMan Logged in.

Joker-RocketMan: Damn it, EDI!

Garrus-SnypeSnype: Riiight.

Joker-RocketMan: Right what? What did I miss?

James-OsoMayor: I think this is our cue to leave.

Amiee-HotShot: Yeah, I need to sleep.

James-OsoMayor: Who said you'll be sleepin'?

Amiee-HotShot: Did you really have to say that publicly?

Joker-RocketMan: Bro code, you gotta share that kinda stuff.

James-OsoMayor: Dude, you know I gotchu.

Amiee-HotShot: Then go get him and let me sleep.

Joker-RocketMan: Uh ...

Shepard-TheBitchInCharge: Amiee, that was brilliant!

Gabby-JockLover69: Take pictures.

Amiee-HotShot: I'll record it from a safe distance. ;) That bro code is gonna get stretched!

James-OsoMayor: Muñeca ...

Liara-InShadow: I have all feeds from the ship recording at all times.

Garrus-SnypeSnype: I always knew you were perverted, Shadow Broker.

Liara-InShadow: I ... Garrus. You know that is not what I do with the recordings.

Amiee-HotShot: And on that note, I'm off. Night y'all.

HotShot logged out.


	3. Dat Ass

NORMANDY CHATROOM

Online contacts.

James: OsoMayor.

Joker: RocketMan.

Cortez: ShipSpotter.

Javik: Vengeance.

Garrus: SnypeSnype.

* * *

HotShot Logged on.

RocketMan: Shepard in that dress ... S'all I'm saying.

RocketMan: Dat ass.

HotShot: Uh ...

RocketMan: Shit, clicked enter as you ...

SnypeSnype: Joker, can we stop talking about my partner now?

HotShot: James? You were talking about Shepard in a dress?

HotShot: Wait, when did Shepard _ever_ wear a dress for that matter?

ShipSpotter: To be fair, he didn't say anything.

HotShot: Yeah, like I believe that. I remember something being said about 'bro codes'

OsoMayor: Nice try, Esteban.

TheBitchInCharge Logged on.

SnypeSnype: Oh crap.

HotShot: Now you're in for it.

RocketMan: Amiee, you wouldn't.

HotShot: I still owe you for hiding my energy drinks.

TheBitchInCharge: Do I even wanna ask.

OsoMayor: No.

RocketMan: No.

SnypeSnype: No.

ShipSpotter: No.

Vengeance: I have been paying no attention.

TheBitchInCharge: Amiee?

HotShot: *Backs away slowly* Um ... I just got here.

RocketMan: I knew you had my back, Crazy Lady.

HotShot: Joker was thinking about your ass, Shepard.

HotShot: You need to stop calling me crazy, buttface.

OsoMayor: Hey, I thought I was the buttface. It means you love me, right?

TheBitchInCharge: Logged out.

RocketMan: Um.

SnypeSnype: She just got out of bed, picked up her gun and left, Joker. I'd run.

RocketMan: I can't run, remember?

HotShot: Well, you're dead then. I was only coming online to talk to Traynor, but she's not here ... so I'll uh, leave y'all to it.

RocketMan: Amiee ... come save me ... I won't send you any more hanar porn ... I promise.

OsoMayor: You were sending her porn?

HotShot: Wait, you were sending me porn?

RocketMan: You wanted to know more about the Hanar.

HotShot: NOT HOW THEY ... X.X

HotShot: Logged off.

OsoMayor: She just got up, picked up her gun and left.

RocketMan: Two girls wanting me in one day ... sweet.

SnypeSnype: We should save him.

ShipSpotter: No we shouldn't.

OsoMayor: Nope.

SnypeSnype: You're on your own, Joker.

RocketMan: Nice, so much for the 'bro code'.


End file.
